Gen-Z and the Long Distance Relationship: Worth It?
I love love. Hearing a person’s love story is like listening to a beautiful, classy love song, the kind that pop stars were recording in the 90s and 2000s. When I think of my parents’ love story, I melt a little inside. My mom always professes that she knew my dad was “the one”. Sometime a long time ago, a mutual friend of theirs invited my dad to go to a movie with them. When my dad showed up at their friend’s place, it was my mom who opened the front door for him. My mom tells me every time she recalls the story that she said out loud, “Oh, there are you.” Love at first sight.
These days the “meet cute” is less about opening the right door and more so swiping on the right profile, even if the person happens to be hundreds or thousands of miles away. It seems today long distance relationships (LDR), many of which may have connected partners through a dating app or social media, are more common than before. According to an article from Her Campus, 32.5% of college relationships, made up mostly of Gen Z students, are long distance relationships. A long distance relationship is more easily maintained these days, thanks to the phones and Facetime and Snapchat and other social media.
To be clear, I am not hating on dating apps or long distance. I found my current partners on an LGBTQ+ dating app and we’re currently in a long distance relationship too. Being long distance is hard, no doubt, but I have found that there are benefits. Here are the top three things I’ve learned so far.
Talk, Talk, Talk… and Talk Some More
A long distance relationship requires communication. Yes, all relationships need and require it. But when you’re in a long distance relationship, a next level type of communication which usually takes years to develop must begin almost immediately. Extreme openness, trust and honesty come along with this. Whether it’s going into detail about your day or having tough conversations, this communication must promote a connection that comes more naturally in person. Tough conversations will never be easy; if you add the distance and have to do it over the phone, it's easy to decide to walk away from an LDR instead. Don’t. Learning to have tough conversations in a romantic relationship not only strengthens the relationship, but also teaches us how to be communicative in other parts of our lives. These communication skills allow us to communicate more effectively with our bosses, our colleagues, our friends and our family members. It’s important to say what you need to say, to everyone and over any distance.
It’s Impossible To Fuck Up
You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person. This applies to all romantic relationships and even friendships. It’s scary to say how we’re feeling and what we’re thinking, especially to our partner. It's easy when we’re texting to craft and formulate the exact right thing to say, which may actually be a perk of the LDR. But real life and in-person isn’t like this, and being authentic is important. Of course, this doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to say something that may hurt your partner’s feelings.
More realistically, if the relationship is strong and healthy, that scary thing you said won’t result in a fight or manifest as a problem in your relationship. The tendency to hide our hurt or to pretend that what our partner said didn’t hurt us can lead to a buildup of emotions. Hiding these feelings is easier over a long distance. But this can create major issues and someday, whether we want them to or not, the skeletons of conversations past come out of the closet. We all must recognize that our partners are also just humans and give both them and ourselves grace.
Love Thyself Just As Well
Make time for yourself and other relationships. Again, this can be applied to relationships that aren’t long distance, but in a LDR it is easy to become glued to our phones. Part of long distance is that you are living a different and separated life from your partner, even more so than couples who go to different day jobs or live in different apartments. Your partner must understand that you need a life for you, and that you cannot be on-call at all times. Any other expectation could indicate that, if you ever lived with or closer to such a partner, they wouldn’t understand then either. It is easy to want to constantly communicate, especially when both partners are so busy. Take the time to communicate your day or night plans with your partner, and maybe that you’ll text them when you’re back home. Allow yourself to be with others who fill your emotional cup just as much as your partner does.
Long distance relationships aren’t for everybody. It can be difficult to balance separate lives, while also making time for each other. It is a choice, just as all things are in life. Love is beautiful and strange, sometimes we find it when we least expect to. Sometimes, there’s a person behind a friend’s front door who we see and swear it's love at first sight. Sometimes, a swipe on a dating app leads to a beautiful relationship. And sometimes it's the person 500 miles away, who is worth the wait.